Now, I have put up a poll up here on my blog which is supposed to run until the end of the month on the topic before this; check the last post titled "Will you date your best friend's ex?"
Besides the poll, I've done a quick survey and interviews (chit chat) with some of my close girl friends and of course, my bestie herself on this topic and I have decided to sum it all up in conclusion here.
Thank you for all the participation, and also for being honest about your own personal feelings and stories as well; I really appreciate that.
It's not a big project or something, but it's really interesting to explore a touchy subject like this.
I have mixed responses on this but the results show that the majority voted for "NO".
Majority, means there is still a minority who will choose "Yes" and that, my dear friends will be the first part of this post as we explore into the perspectives of those who said yes.
Rest assured, I will not reveal identities or imply any characteristic of the party who have so kindly shared her opinion with me.
Cherry (*not her real name*) has told me about her perspectives on why she would consider dating her best friend's ex boyfriend.
(The following context will be narrated from her point of view)
"I have had a best friend for the past 10 years or so, and we have known each other since high school. We are really close to each other and somehow, we are so similar to each other that people tend to call us 'twins' back then in high school.
In reality, we don't even look a bit like each other and no, we are definitely not doppelgangers or those weird people who just carbon-copied their best friends in terms of hairstyle, apparel, etc.
Due to our similarity, we became closer and it was just like reading each other's minds when we chat with each other. It is so creepy and yet exciting. We never hide anything from each other, if I had flunk a test, she will be the first person I go to and if she gets asked out on a date, I'd definitely be the first to know.
As it so happens, there was this once we both liked the same guy in school and we found out about it. Not exactly weird, since we already share same interests in everything but this is something we cannot share. We decided to just let nature takes its course, and not pursue him in particular. It is after all, not our culture to be so 'proactive' particularly when you are a girl.
Suddenly, my bestie gets asked out on a date and she was so excited about it that she told me all about it. I was happy for her of course, but I can't lie and say that I am not disappointed myself.
It went well and soon, my bestie dated him and my crush became my bestie's beau now.
I was a little more than crushed; which was totally unexpected. I thought it was just an infatuation or nothing more than a crush. However, as I spent more time with them, I realized that he was a really nice and sweet guy and we get along really well. My bestie was really happy and she went over the moon; she simply could not stop talking about this guy in her life.
My bestie is pretty emotional at times and she can have a temper too. There were times when they had arguments and she would come running to me, "I don't want to talk to him"
He, on the other hand, took it well in the beginning and turned to me to ask for my help to calm her down, which worked most of the time.
However, as things start to get out of hand,during this one really ugly argument they had, my best friend kind of blew it when she just yelled Break Up and he just snapped. He could not take it anymore; with my bestie constantly blowing her cover and putting immense pressure on him that he just agreed and stomped off.
It was truly the end; even when bestie came to her senses, she refused to step down and admit that she regretted her words. They do not really talk to each other anymore, and it all became history.
As for me, I was still friends with both, as I was innocent. I also found out that he was seeing someone else a year later (after the breakup) and he was happy. I was happy for him and yet, I still had this quick heartbeat thing each time I saw him. My bestie moved on as well; and found another great guy who was so fun and patient with her.
It was about some time when we graduated from high school and university and came out to the working world.
I was still single and there was this once, I bumped into him at a mall and we ended up having drinks together. Apparently, he was single for a year now too and we had a very nice chat with each other and exchanged phone numbers and emails; and I even gave him my bestie's contact in case he wanted to keep in touch with her as well.
We met up once in a while for a drink or a meal, and forwarded those really funny emails to each other, and one day, I received an email from him which was on relationship and at the bottom of it, he asked me for dinner, in a rather casual way.
I went, and we again, engaged in an interesting conversation as we talked about everything under the sun.
At the end of dinner, he said to me, "We should do this more often" and I nodded, as a casual gesture to his statement.
The next few times, he asked to pick me up and then we started going out even to the movies and then he popped the question, "Hey, do you think you'd like to be my girlfriend?"
I was stunned, and I tell you, I was feeling so happy inside that I wanted to call my bestie there and then and tell her, I am going to have a boyfriend!
But, then it hit me, that's her ex-boyfriend we are talking about; I didn't know what to do, I know it's more than years they've had this relationship but I didn't know how to tell my best friend about this.
I gathered all the courage to mention it to her and she went all wide-eyed. Of course, she laughed after that and told me, "Remember how we used to like him, like, together?"
I recalled that time and she told me she was totally fine with it and besides, she is getting married soon to the love of her life. I still was not convinced although I have started going serious with the guy. Yeah, I have agreed to be his girlfriend even before my bestie gave her approval because you see, I really liked him so much after all those years and it just can't be a crush.
It is all clear now, and bestie is even fine with it. I didn't cause them to break up nor did I stand in the way. In fact, it's years AFTER the break up that we got together and I really loved him.
All is fair in love and war, isn't it?
If it's meant to be with my bestie, they would have been together till this day, right?
I don't feel weird when they meet because I know I love them both and I'd trust the two of them. We go out once in a while and bestie is all lovey dovey with her now-husband so I don't think there's going to be anything weird between them anymore.
So, yeah, I did it, and I have dated my bestie's ex and it's all in the name of love.
I get to keep my bestie and the guy I loved, how cool's that?"
I find this really interesting, and insightful.
Perhaps there is no harm, and after all, it is most important that we know what's it going to take to keep us happy.
On the other side of the globe/coin, there's some of us who are really dead against the prospect of being with our best friend's ex-boyfriend.
It'd just be weird and awkward when we even think of being close/intimate with our best friend's ex beau.
"It's just like some sort of betrayal to my bestie, especially if they broke up due to some argument"
"I can't take it that my boyfriend's ex is my bestie!"
"How are we supposed to go on double dates? I can't take it that they used to be a couple! I shudder at the thought"
"There's lots of other guys in the world, I think my bestie's ex is best left as a part of history and we can still be friends. Dating, erm, no for me"
"My bestie must have broken up with him for a reason, and if he's not good for my bestie, I don't think that highly of someone who would even consider moving to his ex's bestie"
"I'd like to know what his motives are; is he purely looking for a rebound, or a revenge at his ex? If purely for relationship, why me? Isn't it weird for him as well?"
Summarizing all of these points, being in a romantic relationship with the ex-boyfriend of our closest friend whom we call our best friend, who probably knows everything there is to know about us, including our roots of origin to Darwin's theory, is something that some of us just cannot accept or live with.
I do agree that to a certain extent that it's going to weird when you want to share some details with your best friend and then, you had to hold back, because you don't want to hurt her. Furthermore, what if she hears some of the things you tell her that you do with him, and she goes like, "Yeah, he's like that" or "Oh, remember, he doesn't like this..."
That is bizarre, and it feels like sharing the same guy with each other.
Not just you but the bestie who have broken up with the same guy, I'd say I share her sentiments as well.
I know true love sometimes conquers all, and this is no wrong and right thing but the very first thing is to get past the guilt, the history, the bizarre feeling and the feeling of betrayal when you go out with an ex of your bestie.
I don't really care how many guys my bestie have moved on to, an ex remains an ex and to me, it just feels weird too.
I thank you for all the stories and insights, and the feature story for this topic.
It's interesting, and don't feel bad if you were one who would have said yes, because, it is YOUR life that you are living.
After all, life is short, so do what you think is right, there is no law to govern anything.
=)
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